On May 19th, 2007 while many young people her age were attending prom.
Amanda died.
We couldn't save her.
In our hearts and on our minds,
she remains.
October 17, 1989 - May 19, 2007
Never Gone
Yesterday a tear-stained stranger came to me
with a smile pushing through her pain
she said to me,
“I just can’t believe it. Is she really gone?”
At the time I did not have the answer to her question.
As she walked away
another tear-stained stranger came to me
with a smile pushing through his pain.
I was granted a moment of grace.
None of them were strangers
For I witnessed the memories
In each face.
Amanda was there.
It made me think of a grace-filled time
when I was about eight or nine
I would sit in the tall grass on the hill beside my house
watching the day fade away...
waiting for the magic.
Darkness would fall
here and there the silent, fluttering, fire works would begin.
Miniature, pin-point, flashes of light in the darkness
dancing to the crickets’ song...
the fire flies had returned.
Quickly I learned I could not follow it,
or hold it tight in my hand.
I could only sit and watch it flashing freely
over the waves of summer grass.
When I met Amanda I loved her because she was Joe’s.
He anticipated each visit
from her
the way that I had anticipated
the dance of the fireflies.
Each visit a fleeting fire flash
against the darkness of life without her.
At first I loved her simply because she was a part of him.
NEVER to be stifled or contained,
I came to know her for herself...
Full of whit and intelligence,
always ready
to find and announce the humor
of even the most bizarre situations;
she would create moments that would lift those around her...
Fracturing the darkness with them.
I witnessed the joy and excitement as she arrived for each visit.
People , young and not-so-young, filled the house to greet her.
Teenagers in every corner of the house,
laughing, crying, fighting,
making up, hanging out, sleeping....
sometimes using each other as pillows
when there weren’t enough to go around.
They were here for each other...
to celebrate what it is to be on the verge
of everything and the end of nothing.
On weekends and holidays the noise and pranks,
the whipped cream fights and the chocolate syrup wars,
the music and movies, the jokes, the Fear Factor moments,
the funky “teenagers-only” smell in the orange room,
the swimming, the wet towels, the disappearing dish soap,
and the overflowing garbage cans,
the relief of knowing
during the wee hours of the morning
they would not be judged,
the dread of being woken up the next day
to repair the damage...
Through it all I saw them together...
a cluster of flickering hope.
She needed them as much as they needed her.
She cherished the open communication,
the freedom she had to be herself.
I watched her give them strength.
I watched her struggle
to find a way to give enough
attention and care
to everyone who needed it.
She distracted them from their confusion
as they distracted her from her own.
Somehow she always found a way
to be what they needed
without changing who SHE was.
For this
I respected her.
She was so much to so many...
Daughter, sister, grand daughter,
step-daughter, niece, cousin, and FRIEND.
For them
she never hesitated
to share every ounce of her spirit and courage.
For them
she never hesitated
to stand in the dark.
For them
She never hesitated
to show her laughter.
For them
She never hesitated
to open her heart.
It has been my privilege
to be a minor player
in the life of such a generous person...
to witness the fire flies move across the night...
Grace has shown me
AMANDA WILL REMAIN
the bursting spark of light flashing
through the center of our souls.
TODAY the tear-stained strangers came to me.
With smiles pushing through the pain
they said to me,
“I just can’t believe it. Is she really gone?”
We are granted moments of grace
None of you are strangers
For I witness the memories
In each face.
Look beside you.
Amanda IS there.
~My Eulogy for Amanda 2007
American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, Out of the Darkness Walk
