In recent days I've been thinking about how strange the passage of time is and how it can fall away in an instant or stretch out so long it seems endless... And both can happen in reference to the same experience. 
Fifteen years... Our hearts don't forget.
Amanda Curcio is missed every day.
RIP October 17, 1989 -May 19, 2007
Amanda Nicole Curcio Memorial Scholarship Fund
...............................................................
Remembering Amanda ~Fifteen Years (re-posting content from my Ten Years tribute)
I suppose there are few things in Life which leave us feeling as helpless as the death of a child. That youthful potential for a limitless future abruptly ceases and Hope seems to die with them. The Landscape of your family is forever changed.
The "If-Only"s, the Grief, anger, despair, sorrow, regret, fear, and so many more emotions come at us in unpredictable waves which test our tolerance of the human condition.
However, the One remaining constant is the Love for that child. The Love and the Grief live together in that space. Eventually, the Love takes up more room. The Grief tags along beside it.
On May 19th, 2007 while many young people her age were attending prom. Amanda died. We couldn't save her.
In our hearts and on our minds, she remains.
Never Gone
Yesterday a tear-stained stranger came to me
with a smile pushing through her pain
she said to me,
“I just can’t believe it. Is she really gone?”
At the time I did not have the answer to her question.
As she walked away
another tear-stained stranger came to me
with a smile pushing through his pain.
I was granted a moment of grace.
None of them were strangers
For I witnessed the memories
In each face.
Amanda was there.
It made me think of a grace-filled time
when I was about eight or nine
I would sit in the tall grass on the hill beside my house
watching the day fade away...
waiting for the magic.
Darkness would fall
here and there the silent, fluttering, fire works would begin.
Miniature, pin-point, flashes of light in the darkness
dancing to the crickets’ song...
the fire flies had returned.
Quickly I learned I could not follow it,
or hold it tight in my hand.
I could only sit and watch it flashing freely
over the waves of summer grass.
When I met Amanda I loved her because she was Joe’s.
He anticipated each visit
from her
the way that I had anticipated
the dance of the fireflies.
Each visit a fleeting fire flash
against the darkness of life without her.
At first I loved her simply because she was a part of him.
NEVER to be stifled or contained,
I came to know her for herself...
Full of whit and intelligence,
always ready
to find and announce the humor
of even the most bizarre situations;
she would create moments that would lift those around her...
Fracturing the darkness with them.
I witnessed the joy and excitement as she arrived for each visit.
People , young and not-so-young, filled the house to greet her.
Teenagers in every corner of the house,
laughing, crying, fighting,
making up, hanging out, sleeping....
sometimes using each other as pillows
when there weren’t enough to go around.
They were here for each other...
to celebrate what it is to be on the verge
of everything and the end of nothing.
On weekends and holidays the noise and pranks,
the whipped cream fights and the chocolate syrup wars,
the music and movies, the jokes, the Fear Factor moments,
the funky “teenagers-only” smell in the orange room,
the swimming, the wet towels, the disappearing dish soap,
and the overflowing garbage cans,
the relief of knowing
during the wee hours of the morning
they would not be judged,
the dread of being woken up the next day
to repair the damage...
Through it all I saw them together...
a cluster of flickering hope.
She needed them as much as they needed her.
She cherished the open communication,
the freedom she had to be herself.
I watched her give them strength.
I watched her struggle
to find a way to give enough
attention and care
to everyone who needed it.
She distracted them from their confusion
as they distracted her from her own.
Somehow she always found a way
to be what they needed
without changing who SHE was.
For this
I respected her.
She was so much to so many...
Daughter, sister, grand daughter,
step-daughter, niece, cousin, and FRIEND.
For them
she never hesitated
to share every ounce of her spirit and courage.
For them
she never hesitated
to stand in the dark.
For them
She never hesitated
to show her laughter.
For them
She never hesitated
to open her heart.
It has been my privilege
to be a minor player
in the life of such a generous person...
to witness the fire flies move across the night...
Grace has shown me
AMANDA WILL REMAIN
the bursting spark of light flashing
through the center of our souls.
TODAY the tear-stained strangers came to me.
With smiles pushing through the pain
they said to me,
“I just can’t believe it. Is she really gone?”
We are granted moments of grace
None of you are strangers
For I witness the memories
In each face.
Look beside you.
Amanda IS there.
~My Eulogy for Amanda 2007
Amanda's Memorial Page
American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, Out of the Darkness Walk
Lifeway Youth Center Belfast New York
Belfast Organization for Artists blog
BECAUSE YOU MATTER
"You have been created as one of a kind.
On the planet Earth, there has never been
one like you...and there never will be again.
Your spirit, your thoughts and feelings, your
ability to reason and act all exist in no one else.
The rarities that make you special are no
mere accident or quirk of fate.
YOU HAVE BEEN CREATED
IN ORDER THAT YOU MIGHT MAKE A DIFFERENCE.
YOU HAVE WITHIN YOU THE POWER TO CHANGE THE WORLD.
...
The very beating
of your heart
has meaning and purpose
...
Your life...
and what you do with it today...
MATTERS FOREVER." ~ Andy Andrews
The Belfast Organization For Artists and the Kalkbrenner-Carlton family donated this book to the David A. Howe Public Library in Wellsville, NY and to the Belfast Public Library in Belfast, NY in loving memory of
Amanda Nicole Curcio October 17, 1989 ~ May 19, 2007
on her Birthday and in dedication and consideration for anyone who has ever wondered "Do I matter?"
The Butterfly Effect Speech and Presentation video by Andy Andrews
Suicide Prevention Resources:
Allegany County ~ Allegany County Crisis Hotline (888) 448-3367
Allegany County Suicide Prevention Coalition
American Foundation for Suicide Prevention
Out of the Darkness Walks
Partners for Prevention Allegany County NY
Allegany County Suicide Prevention Walk 2014
Suicide Prevention Center of New York
Pennsylvania Suicide Hotlines
In spite of physical challenges-or perhaps even more so because of them- I push myself to make art to celebrate, cope with, and process Life.
" The arts have long provided emotional context for the human experience. Now, research is demonstrating that creative expression also contributes to better health and well-being. People from all walks of life and every corner of the planet are expressing themselves through the arts—musical, performance, visual, writing, culinary—and discovering how it reduces the physical and emotional burden associated with various types of health conditions and life circumstances." ~The Foundation for Art and Healing
